Doan Courant

The semi-whenever newsletter for one of the many Doan Families.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

When will I learn?

There are things that we do that, after we have done them, we tell ourselves that we will never do them again. Yet, even though we are adamant when we tell ourselves that we will never do it again, soon enough we do it again, causing us much grief and consternation, and causing the whole process to begin anew.
Every time I go to any Wal-Mart, I tell myself I will never go again. They are always crowed. They are always messy and cluttery. There is never enough checkout checkers. It is never a fun experience. And yet, like the proverbial dog, I return. How foolish I am! How can I think that it is ever even minutely more convenient to go the Wal-Hell? Foolish, foolish man.
I pledge that I will never, under any circumstances (save eminent danger to the health of my family) go to any W-He on the face of the planet. The only reason for which I would recant is that W-H made some serious reforms.
Reform Number One: They must have at least 10 check-out checkers on duty at all times of the day. Whenever I go to W-H, there is never more than three open checkout lines. There is usually 20-30 people waiting in those lines. This doesn't make sense. Whenever I go to Target, there are almost always enough checkers. I don't have to wait in line very long. Target knows how to do things. When I went to W-H last night (which is what provoked this diatribe), there where around 3 lines open. Two of those lines were the "Self-checkout lines." There were several self-checkout lines that were unopened. I could not fathom why this was so. That brings up the next several reforms.
Reform Number Two: They must have an item limit for the self-checkout lines. In one of the self-checkout lines, the one at which I found myself, some lady was buying food for the Donner Party. Normally, there is a limit as to how many items you can have in such a line. There was no such limit at this store, and the fine lady took advantage of that. Thankfully, she had two small children with her to enable her to take even more time in the line. However, the number of items and the number of children was not the biggest problem. The biggest problem was her ineptitude.
Thus, Reform Number Three: There should be an entrance exam people must pass in order to use the self-checkout. I suggest a computer at the front of the line where people have to answer some questions before they can proceed. These could be basic questions. like "Which of these things is not the others?" or "How many apples can you buy for $1 if apples are $1 apiece?" Those that pass the exam can use the line. Those the can't will need to go to one of the old-fashioned lines.
These are three simple reforms that W-H could easily implement, should they be inclined to do so. Until they do, let it be known that I pull all my support from W-H. Furthermore, I will do everything in my power to make sure everyone that I know does the same. I hope to be the MLK of grocery store reform. Tell your friends. Tell your loved ones. Tell your loved ones' friends and your friends' loved ones to boycott that evil-eyed eater of existence, that tedious traitor of time, that devious destroyer of decency, that spurious slasher of sensibility, Wal-Mart.
That is all.

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