Doan Courant

The semi-whenever newsletter for one of the many Doan Families.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Where shall good films be found?

Here is a list (not mine, and not sure of its origin) of 40 things that can happen only in the movies.

1. It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or opposite the building you are visiting.

2. When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

3. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment it’s aired.

4. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

5. Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds. UNLESS it’s the door to a burning building with a child inside.

6. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

7. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.

8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to learn to speak German. Simply speaking English with a German accent will do. Similarly, when they are alone, all German soldiers prefer to speak English to each other.

9. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off. Even while scuba diving.

10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

11. Any police officer about to retire from the force will more often than not die on their last day (especially if their family have planned a party). (Caveat: Detectives can only solve a case after they have been suspended from duty).

12. Getaway cars never start first go. But all cop cars do. (They will also slide to a dramatic stop in the midst of a crime scene).

13. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

14. On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboard…

15. All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which will be placed in open brown paper bags (Caveat: when said bags break, only fruit will spill out).

16. Cars never need fuel (unless they’re involved in a pursuit).

17. If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until you have defeated their predecessor.

18. If a microphone is turned on it will immediately feedback.

19. Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. you will always find another one.

20. All single women have a cat.

21. Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.

22. No matter how savagely a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

23. If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick’s Day parade - at any time of the year.

24. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

25. You will survive any battle in any war UNLESS you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

26. Prostitutes always look like Julia Roberts or Jamie Lee Curtis. They have expensive clothes and nice apartments but no pimps. They are friendly with the shopkeepers in their neighbourhood who don’t mind at all what the girl does for a living.

27. A single match is usually sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

28. It is not necessary to say “Hello” or “Goodbye” when beginning a telephone conversation. A disconnected call can always be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying “Hello? Hello?” repeatedly.

29. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at once (this is known as Stallone’s Law).

30. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in you room will still be visible, just slightly bluish.

31. Plain or even ugly girls can become movie star pretty simply by removing their glasses and rearranging their hair.

32. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies with complicated devices incorporating fuses, pulleys, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks.

33. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach to armpit level on a woman but only up to the waist of the man lying beside her.

34. Anyone can land a 747 as long as there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

35. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

36. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

37. Most musical instruments (especially wind instruments and accordions) can be played without moving your fingers.

38. In Middle America, all gas station attendants have red handkerchiefs hanging out of their back pockets.

39. All teen house parties have one of every stereotypical subculture present (even people who aren’t liked and would never get invited to parties).

40. Trucks use their horns at random (no hang on, that happens in real life too!).

This list fits well with my list of "non-good movie" paradigms. There are certain aspects in certain movies that, while not making them bad, do not help to make them good. At least, I rarely ever see these aspects in good movies. So there presence in an indicator that the movie is not that good. There are exceptions, though I have never seen them. At any rate, here is the list:

1. The A-Team paradigm: Any film that has a rock music montage of people building something (normally some type of armored vehicle) or of a person training for something (usually a boxing/martial arts match) is probably not a good movie. Examples: Rocky 2-present, Ernest Goes to Camp.

2. The Jane Austin paradigm: Any film in which a man a woman love each other, and everyone knows it, and yet they refuse to admit it, is probably not a good movie. Examples: While You Were Sleeping, Maid in Manhattan, every Hugh Grant movie

3. The Godzilla paradigm: Any movie with a monster resulting from they by-products of human civilization, i.e. nuclear waste, garbage, sewage, or from evolution is probably not a good movie. I don't know if I would even consider it a movie. Examples: Mimic, Jurassic Park.

4. The Jack Bauer paradigm: Any movie in which only one man, a regular Joe, has the ability to save the bus, plane, ship, building, city, planet from certain destruction is probably not a good movie. Examples: Speed, Under Siege, Die Hard's.

5. The Paul Walker paradigm: Any movie built entirely around one type of event, i.e. fighting, racing, flying, is probably not a good movie. Examples: The Fast and the Furious, Gone in 60 Seconds, every Jean-Claude van Damm movie.

(Note: I have seen all of these films. Since some of these films are known non-good films, I shouldn't waste my time watching them.)

6. The Eddie Murphy paradigm: Any movie in which an actor wears a fat suit and/or dresses as a woman is probably not a good movie. Examples: Dr. Doolittle, Mrs. Doubtfire.

7. The Jackie Chan paradigm: Any "buddy movie" in which two unlike and ostensibly incompatible people are paired together is probably not a good movie. Examples: Rush Hour, The Man.

I am sure I will think of more in the future. I will post them when I do. For now, avoid these types of movies.
That is all.

1 comment:

Sean said...

Stallone's Law actually is a bit more broad than that; it's commonly referred to as the Inverse Ninja Law or the Stormtrooper effect: the more people are present on one side, the less effective they are. While generally used with villains, this can be applied to any group (example: Obi-Wan could kill General Grievous, but an entire army of clones couldn't).