Doan Courant

The semi-whenever newsletter for one of the many Doan Families.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Dear TC Students, Vol. 8:

I have some startling news.
I have the unique priviledge of waking up three times a week at 4:50 in the AM to drive to work. I also get to drive home each night at 10:00 in the PM. This allows me to see the sunrise and the sunset. I can't say this is an enjoyable experience, but it is what I do. I have noticed recently that the time between the sunrise and the sunset has shortened.. This is a bit disconcerting. I am no Science teacher, nor am I a former non-Science Science teacher, but I think I have an explanation. My hypothesis is that, due to the increased amount of fatty fast food (Is there any other kind?) consumed by gluttonous Americans (Is there any other kind?), our mean weight has increased. It is a well known statistic that 52% of Americans are 20% overweight, and that 22% are 40% overweight, and that roughly 5% of Americans are classified as a county. Concurrently, the food shortage in China (Editor's note: there may or may not be a food shortage in China) has caused the mean weight of Chinians to decrease. Thus, we have an imbalance, and like Copernicus' top, the earth has began to wobble. This, coupled with increased cell phone use and the lack of higher taxes, is causing the daylight to shorten. Beware. Be vigilant. Most important, write letters while jogging and eat more chicken. I don't mean to be a Malthusian POD, but I do think the world will end before the next millennium.
Some of you may be thinking of a topic for your science project. Well, if your first choice (Does the average person see better with their eyes open or shut?) is taken, you are more than welcome to test my hypothesis. You could very well be the Ptolmey of the modern world.
That is all.

1 comment:

Jess said...

I don't think I stopped laughing throughout this post. THANKS for brightening my day!
oh goodness... :}